


Jamesy and Kevin's Pen Pal Adventures

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [18]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age Play, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autism Spectrum, Blackouts, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Diapers, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Dresses, Fluff, Friendship, Furry, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Heart-to-Heart, Humiliation, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, Kid Bucky Barnes, Kid Fic, M/M, Male Friendship, Misunderstandings, Multi, Non-Sexual Age Play, Non-Sexual Bondage, Non-Sexual Kink, Non-Sexual Submission, One Shot Collection, Party, Pen Pals, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Play Fighting, Playgrounds, Public Humiliation, Puppy Piles, Puppy Play, Sleepovers, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Strangers, Thunderstorms, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Wetting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24031705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: "Oh? Now what's this?" Daddy held up an envelope, squinting at the address like he was an old man reading a book. "Why, it looks like a letter addressed to one 'Jamesy B. Barnes'!" Daddy smiled, holding up the letter.Jamesy was over like a bullet, ripping the envelop open the second Daddy handed it to him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 122
Kudos: 142





	1. The Waiting Game

**Author's Note:**

> A collection of interludes and plot bunnies focusing on Jamesy and Kevin's interactions as pen pals and age play friends.

Jamesy whimpered, resting his chin in his hand while sitting at the dining table.

"What's wrong, buddy?" Uncle Sam looked over from where he and Daddy were washing dishes in the sink.

"Kevin di'n' write m' back. Wha' if he hates m'? Or m' letter got lost 'n th' mail?" He whined, fidgeting by tapping his fingers against the table.

"Aww, I'm sure he doesn't hate you, Jamesy." Uncle Sam hummed, turning his focus to a stubborn spot on a glass.

"You sent it two weeks ago, right? He might have just gotten it. Regular mail moves pretty slow, lamb." Daddy added on, drying off a dish before setting it in the dish rack.

"Bu'h tha' was _f'rever_ ago!" Jamesy whined, flopping his head against the table.

"Hm, here," Daddy set his towel down, grabbing his keys from the ring. "We haven't checked the mail yet today, maybe it got here. Can you help Uncle Sam with these until I get back?"

"Kay..." Jamesy sighed, walking to the kitchen and grabbing the abandoned towel, taking his time to dry the dishes off as Uncle Sam handed them to him.

After a few minutes, Daddy walked back in through the door. By then, the dishes were all in the rack to air dry, and he and Uncle Sam were sitting at the table.

"Oh? Now what's this?" Daddy held up an envelope, squinting at the address like he was an old man reading a book. "Why, it looks like a letter addressed to one 'Jamesy B. Barnes'!" Daddy smiled, holding up the letter.

Jamesy was over like a bullet, ripping the envelope open the second Daddy handed it to him.

He yelped with glee as he read the letter out loud.

"Dear Jamesy an' th' Winter System," He began. "I got y'u letter! I've been ha'ffin a good time here a' m' home. Tell 'Mr. Steve' an' 'Mr. Sam' I said thank'y'u again f' th' dinner." He continued on, reading off the letter.

"See? It just took a while to get here." Uncle Sam smiled.

Jamesy had already grabbed a new sheet of paper to write his next letter.


	2. The Winter System and the Confusing World of Consensual Age Play Communities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> However, as soon as they got to the meeting place, he suddenly felt very nervous.
> 
> The meet-up was at Kevin's friend's house. Kevin told him his friend's name was Danny.
> 
> There were lots of cars parked outside of the house, and he could see from the silhouettes through the curtains that there were _lots_ of people inside. He could hear the loud chatting and footsteps from the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story features a few examples of the different types of common Age Play/Age Regression communities as well as some adjacent communities. Basically a mini anthology on Age Play, Age Regression, and Furry sub culture communities. There will be basic explanations for each in the end notes.

Jamesy whimpered at the sight of all the people.

It had been a good while since their trip to Florida, and Jamesy and Kevin had spent many nights writing back and fourth to one another through old-fashion letters as well as texts over the phone whenever Kevin wasn't busy. Kevin told him all sorts of things about living in Florida, and they told him all the fun parts of living in the Avengers tower in Manhattan.

Florida doesn't even have snow! Kevin never got to make a snowman even once in his whole life!

A few months ago, Kevin had told them about a 'meet-up' for people kind of like him, called a 'Babyfur Meet-Up'. Jamesy thought it sounded weird, but Kevin explained it was just a name for people who feel small like him but also like cartoon animals, so he thought it was cool. He asked his Daddy if he could go with Kevin, and after a few texts from Kevin explaining everything that goes on at the meet-ups- as well as quite a few 'pl'ees' eyes from Jamesy- he said yes.

Only if he could go with to keep Jamesy safe.

Kevin said that would be more than fine, as a lot of the other people there had 'daddies' and 'mommies' too. He said that some of them do things a little different from them, and that some of them even do grown up stuff, but that those things weren't allowed at the meet-up, which made Daddy feel a little better.

Jamesy was bouncing with excitement the entire time he was in the Quinjet. He had worn his favorite 'Tri Me' Triceratops shirt and his denim overalls, which ironically covered the words and most of the head of the triceratops, showing only the top horns and crest. He brought Winnie along with him, because he wanted to tag along.

However, as soon as they got to the meeting place, he suddenly felt very nervous.

The meet-up was at Kevin's friend's house. Kevin told him his friend's name was Danny.

There were lots of cars parked outside of the house, and he could see from the silhouettes through the curtains that there were _lots_ of people inside. He could hear the loud chatting and footsteps from the front door.

"If you don't want to go, we can go home." Daddy explained in a hushed tone, setting an arm on his shoulder.

It's not that he didn't want to go, it's just that he was very nervous being around so many people he didn't know.

After a shake of his head, he puffed up his chest and knocked on the door.

After a few beats, the door opened.

"Jamesy!" Kevin beamed, raising his arms in excitement. He was wearing a blue shirt covered in colorful dinosaurs and blue jean shorts, with a pacifier hanging from a clip on his shirt.

He already felt better.

"Kevin!" Jamesy yelped back, tackling Kevin into a hug. The two of them laughed as Jamesy looked around the room. It was a wide living room with foam alphabet puzzle mats all over the floor and brightly colored balloons and beach balls strewn across the room. There was a large blanket fort in the corner, one big, colorful table covered in papers and crayons, another big, colorful table covered in plates surrounded by people eating snacks, and a large TV that was playing a CGI cartoon with dogs in different civilian service uniforms. He thought the dog in the police outfit looked a little scary.

There were lots of people in the room, some in dresses, some in regular clothes, some in big, colorful animal costumes that looked kinda cute.

Then there were eyes on him.

"Everyone, this is Jamesy!" Kevin smiled, waving to the people in the living room.

"Is that..." One voice muttered.

"Oh my god that's the..." Another voice mumbled.

"Oh my..." Yet another voice gasped.

"Guys look it's Captain..." Yet _another_ voice yelped.

Jamesy tucked his head into Winnie's fur, trying to hide behind Kevin. He never should have came here, they would all see him as the vicious, violent Winter Soldier. They would all hate him. Or worse, they would all see his Daddy and try to get him to be _their_ daddy because he's famous and big and strong and-

"Hey, no," Kevin piped up, putting an arm out to guard the cowering boy behind him. "In this room, they are not famous heroes. In this room, they are just a little boy and his daddy just like the rest of us. Treat them as such."

With that, the eyes were off of him. He could hear the people going back to talking.

"So y'er the one my boy Rex has been going on about." A large, beared, Santa-Claus looking man walked up to them. Even though their body was at least two inches taller than this man, he still suddenly felt very small.

"Daddy!" Kevin yelped, his face suddenly bright red.

"Rex?" Both Daddy and Jamesy cocked their heads in confusion.

"Oh, that's my little fursona's name. We all go by our little names here. But for you, that would be just your name." Kevin explained.

Fursona? What the heck was a fursona?

Kevin could see the visible confusion on his face.

"Here, I'll show you." Kevin looked up to Daddy. "Mr. Steve sir? Can I take Jamesy to the coloring table?"

"Uh, sure. Just don't go anywhere else without telling me, okay?" Daddy nodded, obviously a little tense but trying to be open as to not stress Jamesy out.

"Thank you!" With that, Kevin led him to the colorful table covered in papers and crayons. He sat down on a pillow, and pointed to one next to him. Jamesy plopped down onto the pillow, and he felt very small with his chest just barely coming up above the table. Kevin dug through his pocket and fished out his phone. After a few moments of tapping and scrolling, he turned the phone screen to Jamesy.

Jamesy stared at the screen. There was a drawing of a cartoon German Shepherd wearing the same outfit that Kevin was wearing, but with a diaper on instead of the blue jeans. It was smiling but didn't have scary dog teeth like dogs normally have, or even like _they_ had that Hydra gave them. Instead, the dog looked cute and happy, like a puppy. It even had one ear flopped over while the other was perked up. Next to the dog, there were big, blue letters spelling out the name 'REX'. He liked the drawing, he thought it was cute and well drawn.

"This is my little fursona, Rex. I made him and my daddy let me buy this badge of him from Marci. Look look!" Kevin lifted a little picture on his shirt, which turned out to be the same exact drawing, but inside of a little plastic holder and clipped to his shirt.

Fursona? Marci? Why was this so _confusing_?

"Wha's a fursona?" Jamesy thought to begin, completely confused.

"Oh, oh a fursona is, well, it's a furry-persona, like, uh," Kevin stumbled, resting his chin in his hand as he thought. "Like, Rex is who I would want to be if I was a cartoon animal. I like to pretend I'm him."

"Winnie's kin'a like tha'," Jamesy mumbled, looking at the plush in his arms, then to the picture again. "He thinks he's a teddy bear, bu'h he's not pretendin', 's really how he sees himself, like how I see myself as, well, me." He continued.

"Yeah, yeah kinda like that! 'Cept most fursonas are just people tha' don't have tha' kin'a brain stuff and they jus' lik'ta pretend." Kevin nodded, his eyes flashing for a moment. "But I _do_ know someone with brain stuff like you guys, and their 'fursona' is like how Winnie is to you!"

Someone else with D-I-D? Here?

"Here, here c'mon I'll show'ya!" Kevin grinned, standing up and leading him through the house, before immediately turning on a dime and running to where Daddy and the Santa-Claus man were sitting on the couch, talking with a few other grown-up looking people that weren't wearing baby clothes like the rest.

"Mr. Steve sir? Can I take Jamesy to th' blanket fort?" Kevin asked Daddy, who was a little startled by the sudden loud voice.

"Huh? Well..." Daddy looked apprehensive, looking over to the large fort.

"Don't'ya worry, it's completely safe in there, I can see them in there from here." The Santa-Claus man laughed, which sounded a lot like a mix of Santa and a biker gang leader.

"Hmm, alright, just be careful, okay?" Daddy nodded. With that, Kevin led him back to the blanket fort. After getting on all fours, Jamesy struggling to keep Winnie in the crook of his flesh arm, the two crawled into the rather large space. Inside there were three people already sitting on pillows. One was a rather large girl with her hair in pigtails and wearing a lacy pink dress, one was a tall girl with blue hair wearing a pink hoodie, and one was a very short boy wearing a blue shirt with Daddy's shield on it and green cargo shorts.

"Hey, hey Space, c'mere!" Kevin called, and the boy perked up. He squirmed between the two girls and crawled towards them, looking at Jamesy before looking back to Kevin. He wasn't meeting their eyes, which made Jamesy feel a lot better.

"Space, this is Jamesy. Jamesy, this is the Space System." Kevin motioned his hand between the two of them.

The boy, Space, held his hand out to him.

"Hi, I know you." He smiled, still not looking him in the eyes. Jamesy nodded and shook the other's hand. He didn't feel as scared.

"Jamesy, you're part of a system too, right? Do y'all have a system name?" Kevin asked. "Space's is, well, Space, but their host's name is-"

Space quickly shook his head. They didn't want to share their host's name.

"Oh, well they have lots of alters that see themselves as animals too!" Kevin changed the subject easily.

"Uhm, Bucky calls us the Winter system som'times..." Jamesy mumbled.

"Cool." Space nodded. "Hey Rex, can I get a juicebox? And maybe some grapes?"

"Sure! Hang on I gotta ask Mr. Steve if Jamesy can go." Kevin nodded, crawling back out of the fort. Jamesy followed suit, who was followed by Space.

"Hey Mr. Steve sir? Can we go t' th' snack table?" Kevin asked before even stopping in front of the couch. Daddy was in the middle of laughing with a large woman, who was wearing a very pretty black dress and a pretty black flower crown on her head. Her hair was rainbows! That was so cool!

"Huh? Sure, just be careful, okay?" Daddy agreed, and the three of them were off to the snack table.

After collecting the juice boxes and gathering platefuls of grapes, graham crackers, and apple slices, the three sat down together at the table.

"Blech." Space stared at the dollop of peanut butter on Kevin's plate, pulling the same face Jamesy did when he saw the offending substance.

"Y'u don' lik' peanut butter either?" Jamesy gasped.

" _Y'u_ don't?! THANK YOU!" Space suddenly got a lot louder. "People ALWAYS make fun of us for HATING it!"

Jamesy was startled, and Space suddenly looked very shy.

"'m sorry, we uh, we have a hard time controlling how loud our voice gets. I know I'm annoying and weird, I'm sorry..." He mumbled, and Jamesy suddenly felt kinda bad.

"'s okay." Jamesy hummed, munching on an apple slice.

Then Space was making soft 'baa'ing noises, like a baby goat, and that made Winnie stir a little in his head.

"Hi Bao!" Kevin waved to Space, who 'baa'd in return, crunching happily on a grape.

"Woof!" Jamesy was suddenly hiding behind Kevin, hiding his face in Winnie's head.

A man in a funny looking blue and black mask while sitting on all fours was suddenly at the table. The mask covered his whole head and it had little triangle ears pointing up from the sides. It looked like it was shaped to look like a dog's head, but weird and made of black leather and with blue chops instead of any normal dog colors. It vaguely reminded him of Bluey.

"Hi Buster!" Kevin smiled, waving to the dog-man. The dog-man, Buster, woofed again, bouncing onto his back legs like a puppy.

Jamesy was horribly confused. He looked over to Daddy on the couch, who was looking over at him, his face full of concern.

"Jamesy, this is Buster." Kevin gestured to the dog-man. "He's a pup! It's kinda like a fursona but a little different. He's a human pup, he pretends to be a puppy but like a human pretending to be a puppy."

Jamesy just stared in confusion. It was pretending but different?

"He still sees himself as a human pretending to be a puppy, a fursona is someone pretending to be that animal instead of a human." Space explained it a little differently, and he suddenly got it.

"One of us likes it, but he's an orca, not a pup." Space pet Buster's head, who panted with his tongue poking out from under the mask. "Th' word 'pup' is just an umbrella term."

"Yeah, some people do it for grown up reasons, but that's for grown ups." Kevin explained. Soldier said he might like to try that with the grown up stuff he likes.

After they finished their snacks, the Santa-Claus man walked over to the table. Jamesy felt very, very small.

"Rex, time for 'ya change." The man grumbled in a way that didn't sound angry or annoyed.

"Aww bu'h _daaaaddyyyyy_!" Kevin whined. After a stern look from the Santa-Claus man and a woof from Buster, Kevin sighed and stood up, following the man up the stairs.

"Hey!" A girl with very long pig tails walked over, plopping onto the pillow next to him. He whimpered, hugging Winnie tighter to his chest.

"D'you want a paci?" She held out a sealed package with a blue spotted pacifier inside. Jamesy didn't have a pacifier, he was four _and a half_. He's too _old_ for pacifiers...right?

Despite himself, he nodded and took the package, ripping it open and looking over the silicone and plastic based device. He popped the item in his mouth, and he immediately felt soothed, the way Winnie did when he sucked his thumb.

He liked it.

A few minutes later, Kevin came back. He smiled brightly at him.

"Hey! You got a paci from Layla?" Kevin grinned, and Jamesy nodded.

Daddy walked over to the table, kneeling down to his height.

"Hey Jamesy, it's getting late. We've gotta start heading home." Daddy explained, and Jamesy couldn't help but whine.

"Bu'h Daddyyyyy!" He leaned against his chest, hugging Winnie tighter. He didn't want to go! He was having so much fun!

"I know, bug, but we've gotta get back for your bed time." Daddy pat the top of his head, and he sighed.

"Bye Kevin, we'll write y'u as soon as we get home!" Jamesy hugged his friend, who hugged back tight.

With that, Jamesy, Winnie, and Daddy made their way to the Quinjet.

Once they got back to the tower, Jamesy had looked up that artist, Marci, that Kevin told him about. He told Daddy and Uncle Sam about how much fun he had, all the people he met, and how he liked the way having a pacifier made him feel. He also told Daddy and Uncle Sam that the Soldier wanted to talk to them about the 'grown up puppy stuff' that Space told them about.

Before that, however, he had another letter to write.

About a month after the meet-up, once he got his commissioned drawing of Winnie, he sent a picture of it to Kevin, who sent him a letter gushing all about how cute it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **References:**
> 
> The artist mentioned in the story is Marci McAdams, a well known furry artist. The featured picture is a personal commission from her. If interested, her website can be found [here](http://www.theartofmarci.com/furries/). She is a well respected artist, so please do not harass her if you are not a fan of furries. The badge commission of Winnie can be found [here](https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35931300/) if the image does not load in the fic.
> 
> The CGI dog cartoon mentioned is [Paw Patrol](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3121722/).
> 
> The dog teeth comment is a reference to the story [Dog Teeth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23405446).
> 
> The blue and black mask that Buster was wearing is called a [Pup Hood](https://www.barkingleather.com/pup-hoods/mr-s-leather-neoprene-puppy-hoods), which is common among Pup Players.
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> Jamesy and Winnie are child alters, or 'system littles' in a DID system, meaning that they are alters with the mental capacity of children. On the other hand, Age Regressors and people of adjacent communities (Babyfur, Little Pup Play, ABDL, etc.) are often singlets or even system alters that are traditionally more 'grown up' mentally regressing to the mindset of a child, or in some cases just pretending to be a child or role-playing as a child.
> 
> For many people, this is used as a type of coping mechanism for stress or traumatic events, and has even found use in therapy. 
> 
> For some people, however, this is used as a type of sexual role play. This is refered to as Age Play and can have several types of kink-based communities surrounding it.
> 
> Some people may enjoy both Age Play and Age Regression and use them differently at different times, while some people choose to keep their sex lives completely separate from their regressor lives.
> 
> Both options are valid, though some people (including us, to be honest) have personal issues involving sexualizing child-like behavior. However, as long as all events are between **consenting adults** , then to each their own.
> 
> Pup Play, or Pet Play, is a form of role playing or similar regression where the person pretends to be or takes on the mindset of an animal. Similar to age regression, this can be either sexual or not, both of which are valid options. Despite the name implying that it is strictly about being a pup, it is actually fairly common to see pet players with different animal mind sets, such as cats, mice, foxes, dragons, wolves, and even orcas or dolphins.
> 
> Between this would be babyfur, or a community of furry age regressors. This is nearly identical to age regression with many overlaps. The main difference is that the regressor takes on the mindset of their fursona's young mindset instead of their human selves. Some little non-human alters may relate or identify with this community because of the common themes.
> 
> None of the examples in this story are meant to accurately represent every single type of person within each community, and are only used as bare bones examples.
> 
> As a twist of meta, the person introduced as Space in the story is actually our own host, along with the mentioned Bao being one of our non-human alters who identifies with the Babyfur community. This was added to include an example of other systems within the same types of communities, as there are a lot more than one would think, as well as a way to explain it from an outsider-looking-in perspective for Jamesy, the protagonist.
> 
> The meta here being that Soldier, Jamesy, and Winnie are also alters within our system in real life, which is why this series was written, to show how they would interact within their own source universe in Bucky's body. Our host's name was not mentioned in order to preserve privacy. The picture of Winnie is a commission we ordered for the real life version of Winnie within our system in the real world, not in this series.
> 
> Any behaviors related to DID or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency within this story are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explanation for either DID systems or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.


	3. Blackout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He glanced around from under the table, hugging his knees tight to his chest.
> 
> His heart began to pound in his chest like a frightened bird as a cage, listening as sneaking footsteps echoed through the house. He could hear the floorboards creak and groan over the sound of the thrumming rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This story may conjure feelings of intense nostalgia for mid-2000's preschool shows, pizza and ice cream dinners, and immature child-sleepover antics. Cavities from tooth-rotting fluff may also occur.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

Jamesy was hiding under the table.

The room was dark and empty, he could hear the hushed whispers of the others around him. The eerie, gray glow of the world outside filtered through the windows as the rain poured down in heavy torrents.

He glanced around from under the table, hugging his knees tight to his chest.

His heart began to pound in his chest like a frightened bird in a cage, listening as sneaking footsteps echoed through the house. He could hear the floorboards creak and groan over the sound of the thrumming rain.

A particularly loud crash of thunder shook the house with a deep rumble, forcing Jamesy to stifle a yelp as he tucked his head into his knees. He could hear the footsteps echoing around him.

The floorboards creaked just beside him.

He held his breath.

"I foun' ya!" Kevin cheered, poking Jamesy's shoulder.

"Awww no!" Jamesy whined, crawling out from under the table, Winnie in tow.

"Here, I still gotta find Danny and Austin and Kate, you can help me!" Kevin smiled.

"Uhm," Jamesy was apprehensive. "Kay, bu'h uhm," He fidgeted for a moment.

"Wha's wron'?" Kevin asked.

" _I kin'a ha'ffo go potty._ " He whispered.

"Oh, kay, go tell y'ur daddy, I'll wait for ya!" Kevin smiled.

Jamesy nodded and made his way to the couch, where his Daddy was sitting with Kevin's Daddy- who he learned is named Mr. Joseph- and a few other grown ups.

A few months ago, Daddy and Mr. Joseph agreed that he and Kevin could have a monthly playdate with Kevin's other little friends, which Daddy thought would be good for his enrichment. It was good to get out of the tower and play with non-avenger friends.

That day they had planned to go to the park, but a sudden Florida thunderstorm in Danny's neighborhood restricted their playtime to inside Danny's house. After a sudden blackout from a lightning-struck power line, they all decided to play hide and seek in the semi-dark house.

Jamesy walked up to his Daddy, watching him from the other side of the lounge room as he talked with Mr. Joseph and two other grown ups. It turned out that the rainbow haired, black dress wearing lady from the meet-up was Danny's wife and mommy, so she lived at that house with him. The other grown up talking with Daddy was a person that he couldn't tell if they were a boy or a girl, but they turned out to be Kate and Austin’s carer.

"Hey, Steve, ya' boy's lookin' for ya'." Mr. Joseph pointed at him with the beer bottle he was holding. Daddy looked over to him.

"Hey, bug, you alright?" Daddy excused himself from the couch, walking over to him.

"I uhm..." He tucked his head. " _I need t' change_..." He whispered.

"Oh, okay, here lamb." Daddy held out his hand for him, which he gratefully took. They had been to Danny's house for play dates enough time to remember where the bathroom was: up the stairs and down the hall, first door on the right. The two made their way up the stairs and to the bathroom, with Daddy carrying his backpack over his shoulder.

They made their way into the bathroom, where Daddy pushed the door shut and set the backpack on the sink counter, unzipping the pack and pulling out a folded, fresh diaper.

"Here, lamb, want me to help you?" Daddy offered.

Originally, they all _hated_ being helped with something they saw as a shameful display of how broken they were. Well, except for Soldier, he was the first to like getting help, but that was for grown-up stuff, so he didn't want to think about that. But now, after knowing other people like him who also wore padding and had daddies and mommies and carers that helped them, he felt a little less bad about it.

Plus, Daddy let him pick out special decorated ones online. So now he and Winnie had cloth-backed ones with cars and planes for the day and plastic-backed ones with dinosaurs on them for the night, while they also had plain diapers for Soldier to use for grown-up stuff and their normal pullups for Bucky who didn't like the child-looking ones. They liked having personalized choices.

"Uh-huh." He nodded.

"Alright, let's get you out of those." Daddy hummed as he helped to unclasp the snaps on his short-alls, letting them pool around his ankles as he pulled off the tapes to the wet, puffing padding wrapped around his waist. Once the old padding was off, Jamesy cleaned himself up in preparation for the new padding. He still felt more comfortable doing that part himself, and Daddy respected that. Once he deemed himself cleaned enough, he let Daddy situate the new padding between his legs, easily strapping the tapes to properly secure the padding. With that, Daddy pulled his short-alls back over him and helped him clasp the snaps back into place.

"Alright, that takes care of that." Daddy smiled, tying the bag he placed the old padding into closed. "Lets head back down." He hummed, washing his hands before picking up the bag and taking his hand in his free hand.

Once they got back down the stairs and into the living room, Jamesy found his way back to Kevin, who was sitting on a pillow on the floor.

"Yay y'er back! Ready?" Kevin beamed, standing up from the floor.

"Uh-huh!" He smiled, following the other through the house.

As it turned out, Jamesy did not have the Soldier's uncanny ability to locate people, as Kevin was always the one to find their friends.

Once the rest of the kids were found- Danny, who was one of the Dudebros from the park, Austin, who turned out to be Buster the Dog-Man from the meet-up, and Kate, the large girl with the pink dress from the meet-up's blanket fort- they decided to raid the fridge for snacks.

"Mommy!" Danny yelled from the kitchen, causing Jamesy to cover his ears. "Can we have ice cream?!"

"Not until after dinner!" The rainbow-haired woman yelled back from the lounge room couch.

"Wha's for dinner?" Danny yelled back.

There was a moment of silence from the other room. Jamesy was the only one who could hear them whispering.

" _Didn't think of that, did'ya Jule?_ " Mr. Joseph laughed.

" _We can't exactly cook...Hey, Steve,_ " The rainbow-haired woman- who was apparently named Jule, or maybe Julie, began. " _Your boy okay with pizza?_ "

" _Yeah, he loves pizza. I can help pay._ " Daddy responded.

"How y'all feel about pizza?" Jule yelled back.

" **PIZZA!** " The unanimous cheer from the kitchen was all the answer the grown-ups needed.

The four kids spent the time waiting for the phone-ordered pizza by watching different shows on the large TV, each with their own plush toys resting in their laps.

"Hey, Jamesy," Kate looked over, her stuffed kitty cat leaning over with her. "Meant'a ask, did'ya make your bear?"

"Huh? Uhm, kinda? Bucky found him on th' sidewalk when he was on th' run an' fixed him." Jamesy explained, looking over the grey fleece arm on the bear.

"Tha's cute." Danny hummed. "M' mommy fixed m' froggy when his leg got ripped, see?" He held up his frog plush, showing the green stitching around the toy's leg.

"I had t' fix m' tiger, bu'h he's at home." Austin, who was not Buster the Dog-Man that day, added on.

"Wish I could sew." Kevin sighed.

They continued to watch the TV, enthralled by the bare-hand puppets with big eyes that spoke in broken, simple English. Jamesy oddly loved the show, though he wasn't sure why.

They didn't even hear the knock or exchange from the other room, too enchanted by the talking hand's innocent antics. Jamesy laughed as the hand with the red hat got mad at the other hand for paying more attention to his new pet turtle than him.

"Hey bug, you hungry?" Daddy put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him from the child-show trance. Kate and Danny were already running over to the kitchen as Jule set the boxes of pizza on the counter.

"Uh-huh!" He smiled, raising his arms for the other to lift him up. He giggled as Daddy easily pulled him off the floor, carrying him to the kitchen like he weighed nothing.

"Daddy why can't'ya lift _me_ like tha'?!" Kevin whined, causing Mr. Joseph to laugh.

"Boy, you're forgetting how tall you really are! I'd throw my back out if I tried that!" Mr. Joseph gestured to the walking lamp-post that was Kevin. Kevin smiled sheepishly as his face turned bright red.

"Oh, yeah..." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

With that, the group had their pizza.

As it turned out, watching mid-2000 child TV shows while eating pizza at the same time was the best feeling in the world.

"Mommy!" Danny yelled again once they had all finished their pepperoni pizza."Can we ha'f ice cream _now_?!"

Jule walked into the kitchen, opening the freezer and pulling out the tub of Neapolitan ice cream, along with a few paper bowls from the cabinet.

The kids swarmed the poor woman like piranha in a feeding frenzy.

As it turned out, watching mid-2000 child TV shows while eating chocolate and strawberry ice cream after eating pizza at the same time was the _better_ best feeling in the world.

"Hey, lamb," Daddy walked over, resting a hand on his shoulder. "It's still storming pretty bad out there, we can't fly the quinjet until morning."

"Wait," Kevin looked over. "Does...does that mean..."

" **SLEEB'OVER!** " Danny cheered, bouncing in excitement.

Jamesy hadn't been to a sleep-over before. Technically the man who died a very long time ago used to sleep over at Daddy's house all the time, but that was back when Daddy was tiny and weak and frail and always sick. He felt a little nervous, but Daddy was there, so he didn't feel nearly as scared.

"Uhm, can I call Uncle Sam t' tell him g'nigh'?" He asked, smiling when Daddy nodded.

"Of course, he's in DC right now, so we would've had to call him anyways." Daddy explained. Jamesy wasted no time fishing his phone from his pocket and scrolling through his contacts to find Uncle Sam's number. After a quick phone call to explain the exciting news and some exchanges of 'I love you's and 'Goodnight's, Jamesy handed the phone to his Daddy before joining the others, who had already begun setting up a blanket fort with the help of Mr. Joseph and Jule.

The blanket fort was a beautiful patchwork of quilts and ropes and PVC pipes, and they wasted no time in filling the fort with pillows and couch cushions to sleep on.

"Oh! I don't have my pajamas!" Austin gasped, suddenly looking very nervous.

"Ya' can borrow some of mine." Mr. Joseph hummed.

"Daddy?" Jamesy poked his head out of the blanket fort. "Do I ha'f any pajamas?"

"Yeah, they're in your bag." Daddy held up his backpack, and he felt better, slipping back into the fort.

The fort was filled to the brim with pillows, couch cushions, throw pillows, and stuffed animals from Danny's room. It didn't even feel like they were siting on the floor anymore. The best part? The fort was big enough for all four of them to fit comfortably without touching.

"Alright, Rugrats," Jule walked over to the fort. "Teeth brushing and pajama time, one at a time. Danny, you're first."

"Awww why?!" Danny whined, flattening himself onto the pillows.

"Because you're mine and I said so." Jules easily responded. She didn't sound angry, just in charge. Danny sighed as he crawled out of the fort.

"Hey, Steve, you can take yours to the guest bathroom, it's over on the other side of the kitchen." Jules added on. With that, Jamesy crawled out of the fort, finding his way to his Daddy and walking to the much smaller bathroom.

Since he just got changed, he only needed to brush his teeth and get his pajamas on. Daddy handed him his tooth brush and tooth paste from his backpack, and he wasted no time in brushing up. Once he rinsed his mouth out- the tap water tasted different in Florida, or maybe he was just used to the ultra-filtered water of the tower- he let Daddy help him slip out of his clothes and slip into the soft, dinosaur themed pajamas. Once he was all finished up, he made his way back to the fort.

He waited as the rest of the kids took their turns getting ready for bed.

Once the other four had gotten changed and into their pajamas, they had all found their way back into the fort, snuggling up with their plush toys under the leftover blankets they found in the linen closet.

"Here, how about I read to you all tonight?" Daddy sat down in front of the fort entrance, and the five kids immediately crawled to the front, snuggling in close.

Daddy was given one of Danny's bedtime books, named 'If You Give a Dog a Donut'.

Jamesy could barely keep his eyes open as he listened to his Daddy's soothing voice read off the book.

"Goodnight, lamb." Daddy leaned down to press a soft kiss to Jamesy's head, letting him crawl back to his spot in the fort. Once the others were kissed goodnight by their respective carers, they all snuggled into their respective spots.

"Here, Steve, y'can sleep on the couch, I've got a few pillows and blankets left over." Jule offered to his Daddy as they walked back to the lounge room.

The dark room was silent for a few minutes as the grown ups made their ways to their own sleeping areas.

The only sound was their own breathing under the pounding rain and rushing wind.

Not one, single peep could be heard.

All was quiet.

"... _poopie._ " Danny had whispered.

The fort erupted with the shrill, booming laughter of five very calm, very _mature_ children.

_So very, very mature_

After a few more interrupted attempts at sleep- all due to each of them having their own, immature giggle fits at a random comment the others had made- they all finally managed to snuggle into the cushions and sleep.

By the time the morning came, the rain had stopped. After a communal breakfast of Lucky Charms and Fruit Loops, it was time for Jamesy and his Daddy to head home. After a few mumbled goodbyes and a hug from Kevin, the two made their way back to the quinjet, relishing in the Florida morning sun.

Jamesy liked sleepovers. He was excited for the next Florida Play Date Storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **References:**
> 
> The children's show mentioned is [Oobi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oobi_\(TV_series\)), a mid-2000 children's show that aired on Noggin. The episode mentioned is [Playdate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrbyW6LL0RU).
> 
> The diapers mentioned are ABUniverse diapers, specifically [Preschool Cloth Backed](https://us.abuniverse.com/product/prs/) and [Dinorawrz](https://us.abuniverse.com/product/dno/) respectively.
> 
> The story that Steve reads is [If You Give a Dog a Donut](https://www.scholastic.com/teachers/books/if-you-give-a-dog-a-donut-by-laura-joffe-numeroff/), which is based on a reading Chris Evans did for #SaveWithStories which can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFSeMDl5aZA).
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> This story and the behaviors within it are based on **personal experiences** are not meant to explain or educate all DID systems or cases of Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency, symptoms, or how they work. These are simply examples from our own experiences as a traumagenic DID system. No two people or their experiences are exactly alike, so these will not apply to every single case of DID or Autism Spectrum.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


	4. Staying In My Play Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'M fine, Daddy." He lied. He would be punished for lying. But would it be considered lying? He was operational, and a child would state that as 'fine', so it technically wasn't a lie.
> 
> He couldn't help the tumbling feeling in his stomach as the word 'Daddy' fell from his lips, however.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story features mentions of sexual and emotional abuse as well as misunderstandings.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.
> 
> Title is from the song 'Stay High' by Tove Lo.

He wasn't supposed to be here.

 _He wasn't supposed to be here_.

This mission was foreign, jarring, yet all too familiar in concept.

_Emulate a child. Be a perfect copy._

He couldn't risk failing.

"There we go, all better." The Captain smiled up at him from where he was on his knees from previously helping him into a new MAG that looked _nothing_ like the standard issue MAGs. Standard issue MAGs don't have cartoon dinosaur illustrations on them. "Ready to go back to your friends?"

Friends. _Friends_. The Captain and the Falcon were considered friends. Very good friends. _More_ than friends. Who else could be friends to the Winter Soldier?

"Kay." He raised his voice a few octaves, trying his best to emulate Jamesy's gasping, child-like voice that he had long since forgotten how to perfect for his Master. He dutifully followed behind the Captain, holding his hand in a near bone-crushing grip.

"You okay, buddy? What's wrong?" The Captain noticed his ramping anxiety.

"'M fine, Daddy." He lied. He would be punished for lying. But would it be considered lying? He was operational, and a child would state that as 'fine', so it technically wasn't a lie.

He couldn't help the tumbling feeling in his stomach as the word 'Daddy' fell from his lips, however.

"Alright, well, if anything _isn't_ fine, be sure to tell me, okay?" The Captain ordered. It wasn't an order. It was a suggestion. The Captain does not give orders unless given specific clearance by the Soldier himself.

Green, he thought.

Once the two had made it back down the flight of stairs, the Soldier was greeted by four adults, all dressed in varying, child-like attire. He fared no better, remembering the 'short-alls' he was currently dressed in.

These were Jamesy's friends. He had to emulate his behavior to please them.

Master never let him play with other kids. Only other teammates.

"Jamesy! I kept Winnie comp'ny for you!" Said the blond male, Kevin, as he held up the aforementioned bear. The Soldier quickly took the bear back, holding the plush close to his chest. He couldn't even hear the confused whimpers of the little creature he lovingly cared for.

He was truly and utterly alone.

"Thank y'u." The Soldier gasped out to the best of his abilities. He had to keep this game up. He couldn't disappoint everyone, couldn't risk Jamesy's friends finding out they were playing with the dangerous, violent, ruthless Winter Soldier. They would all _hate_ the poor little boy for something that wasn't his fault.

He just had to play the game. He could handle that.

"MOMMY." The brunet male, Danny, shouted, causing the Soldier to violently flinch. "WHEN WE GOIN' T' TH'A PARK?"

" _IN A MINUTE._ " The oddly colored haired female, Jule, shouted back.

"Jamesy? You okay?" The brunet female in a pink, lace frilled dress, named Kate, leaned in close to him. He couldn't help the way his skin bristled at the sudden proximity.

"Kate, move, y'know he doesn't like people in his space!" The black haired male, Austin, gently shoved at the female's shoulder. He was almost grateful for the sudden assistance.

"Oh, yeah, so'wy Jamesy." Kate said, the high pitched voice grating against the Soldier's already frayed nerves. It wasn't her fault he was on edge, he just couldn't help it.

"'S kay." The Soldier mumbled, mimicking Jamesy's voice to the best of his abilities.

"Y'all ready? Rex?" The silver haired, heavy set male, Joseph, sauntered over, a quilted bag strapped over his shoulder and across his chest.

They had planned to go to a private park where others like them played.

The Soldier was expected to go out in public dressed like a child, complete with the Captain carrying a backpack filled with child-based items and surrounded by other adults in the same capacity.

He didn't know he could feel such levels of humiliation.

"C'mon, bug, let's get going before it gets too hot out." The Captain smiled at him, and he couldn't help the way his insides turned to mush at the sight. That was, until the Captain wrapped an arm around him and lifted him by the ass into a humiliating and emasculating position where he had no choice but to wrap his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist, lest he risk falling.

No previous mission had ever proven to be so embarrassing. Not even with his Master.

"Dadd-eeee! How come _I_ can't get carried like that?" Kevin whined like a petulant child, which sent a disturbed shiver down the Soldier's spine. These adults _chose_ to behave like children, no one was forcing them to emulate a child's behavior or risk punishment. Why would they _choose_ such behavior over stability and responsibility?

"Boy, you know damn well I'd bust my back trying t'a lift you like that. Steve's a super soldier and his little boy ain't as tall as you." Joseph's gravelly voice gruffed out in a seemingly humorous fashion. The Soldier couldn't help tucking his head into the Captain's shoulder. He wasn't a 'little boy', he was a super soldier. He was an equal to the Captain, both at equal strengths and abilities.

"Aww, now look what'cha did, Joe, ya made Jamesy turn bright red." Jule hummed, which somehow drove the Soldier even more up the fucking wall. He didn't need to be cooed at like an infant.

"We'd better get a move on, don't want to be out in the heat." The mysterious, androgynous human piped up.

"Gideon's right, we'd better get a wiggle on." The Captain agreed, much to the Soldier's dismay, as the group made their way to the vehicles waiting in the driveway.

He just had to play this role a little longer. It would be fine.

"Here, bug," The Captain set him down in a seat in the middle row of the three-rowed SUV, followed closely by Kevin taking a seat next to him. "I'll be right over here, okay?" The Captain hummed as he moved to the other side of Kevin, allowing 'Jamesy' some time with his 'best friend'. "Don't worry, I've got Winnie in your back pack right here."

Kevin smiled at him, so he forced a smile back, hoping it emulated a child's closely enough.

"Eeh, that's kin'a creepy!" Danny laughed at him from the back seat. "Y'a kinda looked like a doggy!"

"Daniel. That's rude." Kate responded, moving her hand to thump the laughing man on the back of the head.

"Ow! No it wasn't! Right, Jamesy?" Danny looked at him from his seat behind him.

"Uh..." He didn't know how to respond. He had not been trained for this type of encounter in such confined proximity. He was a masterful tactician, dammit, he could improvise based on common human interaction and reaction.

"'S fine." He mumbled out through his Jamesy impression, hoping to end the conversation there as to avoid any further humiliation.

With that, the group made their way to the park.

The Soldier had to admit, Jamesy would definitely enjoy this type of park.

The environment was a large, forest area with trees planted in neat rows. In the middle of the clearing was a large play-ground designed to look like a common children's park, but scaled in size to seem larger to adult humans. The group had to drive through a gate and present a card, which Joseph did so, allowing them access to the park.

"Daddy takes me here _all_ th' time, 's _just_ for littles like us!" Kevin chirped. The Soldier couldn't help but resent the added 'like us'. He was _not_ a child.

He bit his tongue, smiled without teeth, and nodded.

He just had to play this role a little longer. He could emulate a child while getting exercise. His old Master never let him emulate a child whilst sparing or training, so he would have to improvise.

Once the van- SUV, it was an SUV, not a van- parked, the group evacuated to the promised enrichment. The Soldier felt his guts plummet to his feet at the sight of other humans already occupying the space, all dressed in similar fashions.

"Jamesy! Come t' th' swing with me!" Kevin chirped, already running towards the aforementioned swing-set. The Soldier could handle swinging, it was an extremely basic repetitive motion focused on sustained inertia. That would help to distract him from the mortifying ordeal of being seen in such ridiculous attire.

A child wouldn't think of the logistics of swinging.

He parroted the other man's playful smile and followed him, keeping in mind to run in uneven strides with ample arm movement. It went against everything he had been trained to do, but this was an unusual mission, so liberties had to be taken. The two each took a seat on the over sized swing set, with Kevin already pulling back to begin. The Soldier copied his movements, stepping back with the swing still behind him, until he felt a hand grab the chain of the swing.

"Want Daddy to push you, lamb?" The Soldier caught himself before he could swing his metal fist into the stranger's face. It wasn't a stranger, and it wasn't his Master, it was the Captain. The Captain thought he was a child, and children could not sustain inertia without assistance. He had to play along.

"Pl'ees, daddy." The Soldier managed to peep out, allowing himself to sit in the swing seat as the Captain pulled him backwards. His grip on the chain tightened as the other man let go of the seat, allowing his body to swing forward. As he began to fall backwards, his back was met by the Captain's strong hands pushing him forwards once again.

"Mister Steve! Push me too pl'ees!" Kevin yelped, earning a soft laugh from the Captain as he moved to push him from behind as well. The Soldier's skin bristled as the other man took the Captain's attention away from him.

Children often fought over parental care and attention, so he must be doing something right.

The Soldier allowed himself to be pushed by the Captain for another three minutes and forty seconds, before he decided that a child's short attention span would cause him to find another activity. He stopped himself as he swung back down, digging his heels into the hard rubber beneath the swing set.

"Jamesy? You okay?" The Captain asked, setting an arm on his shoulder. The Soldier couldn't help the sudden surge in his stomach at the thought of his Master's hands pushing him down to his knees.

"Fine. Want to play." He didn't mean to bite out his words, he really didn't.

"Okay, you can ask to stop swinging, though," The Captain chided gently. "You could've hurt yourself doing that."

Right, children were fragile. They were harmed easily. They were not super soldiers.

"Sorry, Daddy." He mumbled out, the word burning his tongue like acid. He decided a child would continue on, running off to the large structure of platforms and slides in the middle of the clearing. He could treat it as an obstacle course, that would be allowed within mission parameters, right? He climbed up the ladder to the first platform, even though he could have easily launched himself up to the highest platform without assistance. Children could not do that, so he would not do it either. He had to play this role.

He found a small cove in the platform with no one else inside, choosing to tuck his body into the enclosed space, hoping to avoid any more interactions for the moment.

It was not meant to be, however, as a sudden presence startled him.

"Hey, I know you." The boy looked too young to be at the private park, with buzzed-short brunet hair and glasses framing his freckled and minimally scarred face. He recognized the kid, Jamesy had met him during Kevin's party.

"You're Space, right?" He fucked up. He forgot to emulate Jamesy's voice. This kid would rat him out and get him in trouble.

"Yeah, you remember, 's it alright if I sit here? Need cool-down time." The kid, Space, asked. The Soldier nodded, allowing the kid to sit a few feet away from him.

"You're not scared?" He had already fucked up, the kid probably already knew he wasn't a child. Why would he risk being in such close proximity to a violent weapon such as himself?

"Not really, though it's probably the dissociation kicking in. Our little bolted and now we're kinda running on autopilot. Should I be scared?" Space mumbled, obviously distracted by something the Soldier could not see. He understood.

"Are you old enough to be here? You look..." The Soldier was terrible at gauging human age ranges anyways. "...Young."

"I'm actually twenty, turning twenty-one soon, never would'a guessed?" Space smiled at this, seemingly proud of his uncanny, youthful appearance. "We'll be carded until I'm forty, I look like a twelve year old on meth." He laughed. The Soldier couldn't help the soft chuckle that escaped him. He understood, if only a little, being over a hundred years old but looking like he was in his late twenties.

"No one ever believes our senior discount card." He felt almost human during that conversation, the way the man who died long ago felt whilst talking to his troop, then later with the Captain and the rest of the Howling Commandos.

"I wouldn't honestly, but mood." The kid laughed, odd and squeaky, followed by a snort. A perfectly flawed human in all senses.

"Why are you talking to me?" The Soldier was suddenly on edge, concerned as to why this tiny, frail, easy target of a human chose to see him as equal company.

"Shit, are we bothering you? I'll-" The Soldier cut the kid off with a shake of his head.

"No, not bothering. Just," He thought for a moment. "I'm dangerous, I'm a weapon, why would you treat me like a person?"

The kid, Space, stared at him for a moment, seemingly processing his words.

"Well, you're here, with other people, yeah? So you can't be _that_ dangerous if you're self-aware enough to trust yourself with that." Said Space. "Or, maybe we're just that much of suicidal idiots to _want_ to chat with a 'dangerous weapon' as you say. Which do you prefer?"

It was the Soldier's turn to process the words. He liked being treated as an equal, not expected to behave as a weapon, or a child, or anything other than someone to talk to. Was he helping this kid process his own issues in the middle of a playground? "I think I prefer the first one."

"I think I do too." Space hummed, sitting back against the cove wall.

"...You're a system too, right?" The Soldier piped up, suddenly remembering their previous interaction at the party.

"Yep, thirty idiots in a trench coat all sharing one brain cell, give or take a few idiots." Space laughed. _Thirty?_ They only had four. What was it like to have so many minds in one head, all at once? He could barely handle the other three.

"So..." The Soldier wasn't sure what he was about to ask. He knew the disorder they were labelled with was caused by severe trauma, usually only through childhood, except for his case. Would it be rude to ask if they could relate? "...Traumagenic?"

"Huh, yeah, uh..." Space paused. "I don't know if this is too personal or triggering, but uh, I grew up in an extremely unstable and dysfunctional and kind'of abusive household, and I was uh," He paused once again. "I was molested by my cousin for a few years. I was eight, that was when everything really hit the fan." He mumbled. The Soldier thought about his words. This kid was only twenty. Bucky was just over twenty when he was sent to war. He had to be at least forty when Hydra finally broke through their brain. This kid had shit since he was an _actual child_.

"I'm sorry..." The Soldier mumbled, unsure of what else to say. He wasn't trained for emotional human interactions.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I need to shut up, that's way too deep for you to deal with. I don't even know you and I'm suddenly sharing my life story, I'm sorry." The kid's face suddenly turned bright red, obviously distraught at the sudden realization of how much he had shared. "You've been tortured for decades, my shit's nothing, I shouldn't be-"

"No." The Soldier knew those words. _Everyone else has had it worse, my problems aren't as bad, I shouldn't be traumatized._ Those words repeated themselves enough in their own brain. The Falcon had always told them that trauma was trauma, no matter what. "Doesn't matter, it hurt, it was bad, no matter how 'big' or 'small' it was." Was he really trying to play therapist with this kid he barely knew?

Space stared into, well, space, processing the words. "I always try to tell myself that. I always say it as 'put a Chihuahua and a Great Dane in the same puddle of mud, ask both how deep the mud was.' If that makes any sense?"

The Soldier thought of the imagery. A Great Dane couldn't possibly care less, it would have only gotten it's paws muddy. A chihuahua, on the other hand, would nearly drown in the murky depths. It was all about perspective. "That makes sense." Said the Soldier.

"Jamesy? Where _are_ you?!" Kevin's voice called through the platforms. The Soldier almost dreaded having to pretend to be a child again.

"I've gotta head home anyways, my parents are gonna start asking where we are." Space mumbled.

"You still live with your parents? But I thought you said it was unstable and abusive." The Soldier usually didn't feel empathetic concern for strangers, but for some strange reason, this kid didn't _feel_ like a stranger. Space just shot back a watery smile that didn't quite meet his eyes. He was _still_ in an unstable environment?

"It's been nice talking to you. Soldier, right? Or do you prefer Winter?" Space asked, holding out a hand to shake.

"Soldier. Spacibo." He shook the kid's surprisingly small hand. He could crush the hand like glass without even batting an eye. This kid was either really brave, really stupid, or really didn't care. Probably all three.

"Well, see'ya 'round, Soldier." Space smiled before ducking into a nearby tube-slide, exiting the platform. Just as the kid left, Kevin miraculously appeared.

"There you are, Jamesy! C'mon! Danny's mommy's gonna get us ice cream!" Kevin smiled, oblivious to the Soldier's crushed expression. He couldn't handle the role of a child anymore. He had to suck it up.

He just had to play this role a little bit longer.

Yellow, he thought.

He dutifully followed behind Kevin, sliding down the spiraling tube slide at the top of the platform and running behind him towards the promised booth at the edge of the playground. Jule was waiting, with Joseph, Gideon, and the Captain standing beside her. He couldn't help but gravitate towards the Captain, staying close to his side and awaiting further instructions. He was overwhelmed and frustrated and just wanted this mission to be over.

That was, until he saw Austin, idly rolling on a rubber mat, decked out in knee pads, knuckle guards, and an odd hood covering his face. He felt an odd desire to join him.

"Jamesy, what'cha want?" Jule asked, offering to pay for his ice cream. He couldn't be rude and turn her down.

"Uhm, th' one of Ca-Daddy." He pointed to a picture of an ice cream shaped like the Captain's shield. He hoped no one noticed his minor slip of the tongue. The Soldier couldn't help the squirming, crawling feeling in his skin as he felt the booth runner's eyes upon him, staring at the humiliating, ridiculous outfit he was forced to wear. For a moment, he wondered if the man in the booth could see through his clothes, straight to the awful diaper wrapped around his legs just beneath his clothing.

Weapons did not feel shame.

Jule paid the money to the booth runner, who easily distributed the wrapped confections. The Soldier was about to open the wrapping, but was quickly interrupted by the Captain taking the treat and opening the wrapper for him.

"Here you go, bug." The Captain smiled, seeing nothing but a helpless child when he stared at him. He _wasn't_ a child. He couldn't be rude and disobey, he just had to pretend a little longer. He nodded his head with a quiet 'Thank y'u' before nibbling on the ice cream. The Soldier had an uncanny ability to bite ice cream with his front teeth, and often enjoyed the way people would squirm watching him do so, the way they would complain about it looking 'painful'. But he had to be Jamesy, he had to behave the way Jamesy did.

That didn't stop him from slipping away from the large, distracted group to join Austin at the rubber mat. He quickly scarfed down the treat, wincing as the sudden pain of over-chilled nerves hit him. He shook it off a moment later, joining the other man on the mat.

"Arr?" The man in the odd, dog-shaped mask cocked his head, staring at him in confusion.

"Rrr." The Soldier growled back, allowing himself to bare his teeth. Austin looked apprehensive, glancing to the group at the ice cream booth, then back to him. "Rrrr." The Soldier growled again, convincing him of his competency. He didn't want to be treated like a child anymore, so maybe Austin would let him pretend to be a dog with him. Hydra often treated him as such, and he often blurred the line between human and canine in many instances, as far as he could remember.

"Ruff." Austin huffed, but carefully nudged his arm with his masked head. The leather of the mask felt pleasant against the skin of his flesh arm. The Soldier studied the way the man walked on his guarded knees and padded knuckles, moving with such an awkward fluidity that it was almost mesmerizing.

"Rrrr." The Soldier rumbled, deep in his chest, as he lowered himself to his bare knees and knuckles, nudging his uncovered head back against the other's shoulder. He could understand this, the feeling of allowing himself to be something helpless yet still respected and considerably dangerous and powerful. It felt all too familiar to the warmth of a kind handler, the rare and cherished gifts that Hydra presented him with. Even more so, the comforting stability of the Captain and Falcon caring for him after an intense night, either of fucking or fighting, they way they would handle him with respect and care instead of adoration and parental instinct.

He _definitely_ preferred this over pretending to be a child.

The two romped in their mock pile, ducking and pouncing and frolicking in their space, the Soldier letting himself slip into his much more preferred mindset of a powerful beast rather than that of a helpless child.

"JAMESY! NO!" The Captain barked, bounding to the mat and ripping the Soldier out from under the other man. "Buster, you can't play with Jamesy like that. You know dogs scare him." He scolded the dog-man, who tucked his head in shame.

The Soldier could feel his rage boiling in his veins. 'Buster' hadn't done anything wrong. He let him have fun the way _he_ liked, unlike everyone else who wanted him to play the role of a useless crybaby.

"Oh, Jamesy, you poor thing, lets get you changed up." The Captain lifted him up in an easy, fluid motion. He hadn't even realized he had pissed himself, nor did he know exactly _when_ he did, but he knew he did _not_ want the Captain changing him right now.

"No." He whined out, pushing against the Captain's grip, which only tightened around him as he carried him to the nearby restrooms.

"Jamesy, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Do you need to go potty?" The Captain asked, his voice far too soft as he opened the door.

Red, he thought.

"STOP." The Soldier barked, his voice echoing against the closed bathroom walls. He couldn't help it. He was hot and tired and sick of being treated like a child. He couldn't play that role anymore. He had lost his training for it. "I'M NOT A CHILD. CAPTAIN STOP IT _PLEASE!_ "

The Captain's shocked face paled as realization set it. The Soldier realized how badly he fucked up.

"'M sorry, 'm sorry Daddy, I didn't mean t'-" He tried his best to parrot Jamesy's voice again, the threat of tears clawing at his throat helping the petrified squeak of a scared child's voice.

"Soldier, stop-stop that," The Captain sat him down on a nearby bench, following suit until the two men were at equal height. "How long have you been out?"

"Since..." The Soldier couldn't lie, lying was a manipulation and would only result in a worse punishment for his insolence. "Since we were at the house, I didn't mean to-"

"Soldier, for the love of- why didn't you _tell me?_ " The Captain's voice peaked with high pitched distress, his hands finding their way to his shoulders again, and he couldn't help the thought of his Master pushing him to his knees again. "You spent the past three hours pretending to be Jamesy?! _Why?!_ "

"They'd hate us if they knew they were playing with a violent weapon, okay?! I don't want to be the reason Jamesy lost his only friends that like him outside the tower!" The Soldier snapped back, shoving at the Captain's shoulders. He was overheated and triggered and upset and frustrated and sitting in his own piss but not in the fun way. That was no excuse for his disobedience, he was trained to serve and obey in worse conditions. "I'm sorry I failed, okay? I'm sorry I can't play as a child anymore. I'm sorry I ruined everything."

"Soldier, Soldier _no_. You didn't ruin _anything_." The Captain was trying to stay calm, his words sinking in as to what he meant. "They wouldn't hate you, they don't see you as a violent weapon-"

"They see me as a child, Captain. That's all they know us as." He argued, exhausted. "I can't, I can't do it. Please. I just want to go home..." He whimpered, resting his head against the Captain's shoulder in a pitiful display of his vulnerable fragility.

"Soldier, I'm _so sorry_. I didn't know you felt like that." The Captain sighed, wrapping his arms around him in a comforting embrace of which he did not deserve. "I treated you like- I can't believe- oh you must feel _awful_."

The Soldier nodded against his shoulder. "'S humiliating..."

"Soldier, look at me, eyes up here," He obeyed, eyes meeting the other's lips, never daring to venture any higher. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were out all day. You should have told me, you didn't have to pretend to be something that makes you feel bad just to make people like you."

"I'm sorry, I did bad..." He mumbled, tucking his head once again.

"No, Soldier, you didn't do anything bad. You didn't know what to do and I didn't know you needed help. It's not your fault, it's mine for not checking more or giving you a way to tell me." The Captain sighed, pressing a soft kiss to his now tear-streaked cheek. He hadn't realized he started crying. "It's okay, big guy, it's okay. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you when you needed it."

"Not your fault." The Soldier mumbled back nuzzling against the other's cheek. The moment felt so tender and intimate and vulnerable, like it should be taking place in the sanctity of their bedroom instead of a disturbingly clean public restroom. How often did they have to clean this place? He didn't want to know.

The two men spent their time collecting themselves in each other's arms, coming down from their combined emotional frustration and fragility. The Captain was the first to speak up.

"Soldier, we can go home if you want, but it would be better to be up front and tell the truth about how you feel, so they don't think they accidentally hurt your feelings. God, I feel like an asshole for yelling at Austin now..." He sighed. "And we'll figure out a code word for you to tell me in case this happens again, okay?"

The Soldier nodded in agreement. "Don't want to go, want to play with Buster." He mumbled, sniffling back against the last of his tears and trailed down his face. "It felt nice, felt good."

"Alright, that works too, whatever you feel comfortable with doing." The Captain hummed, pressing a soft, chaste kiss to his forehead. The Soldier couldn't help the smile that pulled at his lips, nor the way he leaned up and pressed an equally soft kiss to the other man's lips. The Captain smiled back at him, cherishing the few kisses that the Soldier ever braved to share. "Though, uh," He cleared his throat, the energy suddenly turning a lot more awkward. "You're still gonna have to, y'know, so you don't get a rash or something."

The Soldier's face flushed with the sudden reminder of the soaked padding between his legs. "Right, need to do that."

"I don't think I have any of your regular MAGs, only Jamesy's dinosaur ones..." The Captain mumbled, looking through the backpack that he had set on the bench. "Is that alright?"

"...Can I at least have one with a Tyrannosaurus Rex?" He asked. He would prefer a vicious carnivore over a gentle herbivore, since those where his only options at the current moment.

"Sure thing, big guy." The Captain smiled, helping the Soldier out of the ridiculous clothing.

It took a few minutes, but once the Soldier had finally gotten cleaned up and changed, he was allowed to slip into the spare coat that they always packed in case of sudden rain. It didn't help much, but it at least covered the 'short-alls' he was forced to wear. With that, the Soldier followed the Captain out of the small room and back into the sunlight of the outside world.

"Jamesy! Y'u alright? Did Buster hurt you?" Kevin asked, the worry on his face beyond obvious. The Soldier took a deep breath and sighed.

"I'm not Jamesy. I haven't been since right before you left, I just didn't want you to hate us or get mad at me for butting in..." He tucked his head down in shame. "I'm sorry for not telling you the truth..."

"Wha?" Kevin asked, already confused. "Oh, oh you switched out? I'm sorry, man, I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I thought Jamesy was out the whole time and I didn't want to make him upset by treating him like he was big. I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault, Kevin," Said the Captain. "It's no one's fault, no one's in any trouble." The Captain looked over to 'Buster', who was still sitting alone on the rubber mat. "And Aus- I mean, Buster, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't know you two were playing."

"Awoo." Buster responded, nodding to the other. For some reason, the Soldier could tell that meant he forgave him.

"So, you're, uh..." Kevin gestured to him. "Sorry, I only ever really met Jamesy."

"Soldier, Winter Soldier, the." The Soldier nodded.

"Wow, like, _thee_ Winter Soldier?" Danny had miraculously appeared out of nowhere. "Sorry I said your smile was creepy."

"Hey, Soldier," Gideon called from the bench near the rubber mat. They must have been listening in. "Do you still want to play with Buster? I have some extra knee pads and knuckle braces."

The Soldier looked to the Captain for approval. Once he received a smile and a nod, he made his way over to the mat.

He could play this role a _lot_ longer.

Green, he thought.


	5. When Shit Gets Meta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few minutes of quiet respite would clear his head. He expected this to be a quiet, uneventful few minutes of sitting behind a nearby, vacant lot.
> 
> Vacant, he _thought_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story features references to physical and emotional abuse and suicidal ideations.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

"Jamesy? You alright?" The Captain asked, rubbing his shoulder softly.

Fucking dammit. Not again.

He wasn't supposed to be here.

He _really_ wasn't supposed to be here.

Danny, Jamesy and Kevin's mutual friend, was hosting another large gathering of people. He wasn't sure exactly _what_ had set him off to switch, but all he knew is he was no longer a tiny child enjoying a party with his friends. Instead, that little boy had been replaced with a frustrated, overwhelmed weapon of mass destruction.

The Captain was still staring at him, he could feel it. "Lamb? You okay?"

"Ten-thirty two." The Soldier bit out. That had become their safeword for when he accidentally switched out, a police transmit code for 'Man with Gun'. It was fitting, if a bit meta.

"Oh, okay, do you want to head home?" The Captain asked, switching gears the best he could.

"Nyet, just," He thought for a moment. "Just need some air, alone."

With that, the Soldier lifted himself from his spot on the bench next to the Captain and made his way out through the front door, taking a sharp right down the sidewalk. The air was crisp and cool, despite the usual weather of Florida. It was about a week until Christmas, which would explain the temperature change. He didn't mind, the cool air was rather calming to him. A few minutes of quiet respite would clear his head. He expected this to be a quiet, uneventful few minutes of sitting behind a nearby, vacant lot.

Vacant, he _thought_.

"You're in my spot." An oddly familiar voice piped up. The Soldier's body reacted before his brain did, already pressing his metal elbow into the neck of the perceived threat.

It was that fucking kid from the playground again. Why was fate putting this kid in his harm's way?

Wide, wet, blue eyes stared up at him, though not directly in the eye, which already felt better. He pulled back his arm, tucking his head in shame. "I'm sorry, don't startle me like that."

"You startled me first." The kid, Space, huffed, rubbing his neck like he didn't just have a brush with a god of death.

"What are you doing here?" The Soldier growled, hoping that would be enough to scare the kid off.

"I live a few blocks away from here." The kid huffed. "What are _you_ doing here? Don't you live in New York?" He spat.

"Party, little one wanted to come." He mumbled, resigning to the fact that this kid wasn't leaving the only comfortable hiding spot. "Weren't you there?"

"No, just," Space sighed, looking down the road. "Just needed to get out of the house."

The Soldier thought about the interaction at the park. About what this kid had said. "You're running away?"

Space scoffed, incredulous. "I wish. No, I'm too dependent, and I'm not an idiot. I'd get murdered out there. Or _worse_."

The Soldier thought about the 'or worse' part. This kid wasn't exactly _wrong_. He was tiny and looked like a hard breeze could knock him over. It almost reminded him of the way the Captain used to look. Maybe that was why he had such an irrational attachment to this almost stranger.

He would be an easy target.

"Besides, I can't afford to leave, my jobs don't pay enough, and cops don't take kindly to trans homeless kids." Space sighed, his voice dripping with defeat. _Jobs?_

Wait, this kid was...

"...What's your name? Your body name?" The Soldier finally thought to ask.

Space sneered at him. "Do you want the one I put on legal documents or the one I actually go by?"

The Soldier felt bad for asking.

"...It's Gunther, host name, body name, you get the idea. But just call us Space, okay?" Space huffed. Was he always this aggressive, or was he trying to hide how vulnerable he felt?

"What about your legal name?" He asked.

"Does it matter?" Space bit back, obviously annoyed with the questions. "Unless you need it for jail contact or if you see an obituary..."

This kid was not doing okay. No one talking about their own death so much, so _casually_ , was ever okay. He would know.

"...Why did you need to get out?" The Soldier finally thought to ask, earning a dejected sigh from the kid.

"Another fight, tired of listening to the constant shouting, tired of walking on eggshells my entire life only to get screamed at for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The kitchen." He huffed out all at once. "My dad threatened to beat me and my brother the way his dad did to him, said 'it takes every ounce of my self control to keep myself from beating you' just because he thought I looked sad and wanted pity."

The kid was crying, he could see it. How did he look so calm with tears streaking down his face?

Was he having a panic attack? Was he taught through life that negative emotions earn punishment? Was his body's natural reaction to freeze up and stay silent?

How much did they have in common?

"I'm...sorry." The Soldier managed out. He wasn't sure what to say, he just felt an inexplicable need to protect this kid. "That sounds terrible."

The kid smacked himself on the head.

"You went through seventy years of torture and brainwashing, and I'm here crying because my parents were yelling at me and my brother? And you're telling me that's _terrible?_ " Space bit out a laugh, bitter and distraught. "At least my parents love me, y'know? They just don't understand how bad the shit they do and say hurts. How bad a lifetime of screaming and fighting fucked us up. God, I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have even said anything."

"Nyet." The Soldier snapped back, already annoyed at this kid's near constant self-depreciation. "Weren't you the one that told me about the Chihuahua and the Great Dane?"

The kid stared at him. Did he not remember?

He had DID too, he probably had amnesia, just like they did.

"I'm sorry..." Space sighed, curling up on himself. "I'm just, I'm not in a good place right now."

"I can see that." The Soldier realized, a bit too late, how insincere that sounded. The kid just laughed.

"Why are you talking to me? Don't I bother you?" Space huffed from behind his knees. He looked like a frail, sickly child hiding in a corner, hugging his knees in a desperate bid for comfort.

"I don't know..." The Soldier sighed. He really wasn't sure at all. Why _was_ he talking to this depressed kid he barely knew? "Maybe it's because you remind me of the Captain when he was young, or maybe it's because you and I have more in common than you think. Hell, maybe fate just wants to put you in my path."

"The universe is funny like that, yeah?" Space sighed, looking up to the cloudy night sky. "Maybe it thinks you could help, or maybe it thinks you could deliver me to oblivion for it. Who knows?"

The Soldier didn't like the thought of hurting this kid. Sure, he was annoying and a little rude and depressing, but that wasn't his fault. Hell, he was just in what sounded like a pretty nasty fight, he was probably only mean because he was on edge. He understood that feeling all too well.

"I think, it wants to give me the chance to help someone." He mumbled, looking up to the same, cloudy sky. "If I could help just one person, then that's one more that I've helped than I've killed."

"Why _me_ though? I'm nobody. We're going to die forgotten. Even if some do remember, they'll be forgotten as well." The kid's voice wobbled with fresh tears. "And in the heat death of the universe, there will be no one left to remember anything at all. Do you remember the lives of a species on a planet that exploded six billion light years from here? One life doesn't matter."

The Soldier couldn't handle such existential dread. He hadn't really thought about that level of existence before.

"All lives have purpose. I've taken enough of them to know that. The Falcon always tells me that, no matter what, you were made and brought into this world for a reason, whether or not you know it. Everyone is worth the space they take up, even if it doesn't feel like it." The Soldier hadn't spoken that much in his entire life.

"You sound like me when I try to comfort my friends." Space huffed out a laugh. "I can never practice what we preach."

The two sat in silence, ruminating on the words shared between them in the cold winter's night.

"Hey, look at that." Space lifted a hand, pointing to a patch of dark blue sky as the clouds rushed by. "I think that's a sign, a break in the grey."

The Soldier stared up at the hole in the clouds, watching the faint stars sparkling in the break. "You think so?"

"Yeah," The kid sighed. "I think the universe put you in my path for a reason, even if I don't really get it."

The Soldier nodded in agreement. He thought of the ways the Falcon always comforted them, always helped them when they were hurting, when the memories became _too much._

He opened his arms for the kid. Why did he do that?

The kid stared at him. "Are you gonna try to strangle me? Cause I'd at least like to say goodbye to my friends first if you do."

"Nyet, the Falcon and the Captain always let us hug them when everything hurts. I think..." The Soldier paused. "I think you need one. I don't know why I trust you."

"That makes two of us." Space laughed quietly before carefully leaning into his chest. It was almost nice, if a little awkward.

The two sat in their silent embrace for what felt like an eternity.

"I can't tell you the last time I had a hug that I didn't have to brace for..." The kid sniffled back against fresh tears. The Soldier understood that feeling far too well, being touched by those who you would rather get a restraining order against.

The Soldier squeezed his arms just a little tighter, like he could pull this kid back together. Like he could use his arms to heal instead of harm.

A few more moments passed before Space pulled away, swiping at his sunken, puffy eyes. "Thanks, thank you for that."

The Soldier nodded in response.

"I oughta start heading home, I'll get in worse trouble if they found out I left..." The kid sighed, hopeless, as he stood from the concrete.

"You could always leave and stay with us at the tower? We could pay for everything you need." What the hell was he talking about? He couldn't just abduct someone! Although, he _was_ an adult, so it wouldn't _technically_ be an abduction.

"If that was sarcasm, thanks." The kid huffed. "If not, thanks for the offer, but I'm not gonna be a burden to you or anyone in that place. I'm not an avenger, and I'm not a hero. I have no place there."

The Soldier felt the need to argue, but he wasn't sure why. The kid laughed again.

"Maybe in another universe, you're a protector in my system. Maybe this is all some kind of fake, made up universe on a fanfiction website, and I'm a self insert Mary Sue." Space laughed, staring up at the sky.

"Mary Sue?" He asked, horribly confused.

"It's a joke, don't worry about it." The kid sighed, dusting himself off. "Well, see you around, Soldier. Goodnight, stay safe."

"Spokoinoy noche, Gunther Space." He nodded, watching the kid make his way down the sidewalk until he was out of his sight.

The silence was almost deafening.

After a few more minutes in the quiet winter air, he stood up, dusted himself off, and made his way back to the party. He found the Captain sitting by the front door, awaiting his return.

"Hey there, big guy. You okay?" The Captain stood up, meeting him at the door. "Ready to go home."

The Soldier nodded, leaning into the Captain, resting his head on his shoulder. The Captain wasted no time wrapping his arms around him in a soothing embrace.

With a few goodbyes, the two men made their way back to the Quinjet. The Soldier was silent for most of the ride home. It was only after they made their way inside when he finally decided to speak his mind.

"Hey there, guys," The Falcon chirped from the kitchen table, humming when the Captain pressed a kiss to his lips. "Did you have fun?"

"Da, Jamesy did." The Soldier explained, already shucking himself out of Jamesy's clothes.

"That's good." The Falcon hummed, watching as the Soldier stalked his way to the table, pressing a kiss to the other man's cheek before sitting down.

The Soldier didn't think he would forget that night. Not for a long time.


	6. He Who Makes A Beast Out Of Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Soldier growled a little at the tug, but easily stood from where he was sitting and turned around, keeping his wrists crossed behind his back. He could feel the Falcon locking cuffs over his wrists, pinning them behind his back as he was prepped for transportation. They had already tested those brand of handcuffs, so they both knew he could _easily_ break out of them if needed, but the purpose of this scene was to obey, to give the Soldier the order and obedience that he craved.
> 
> And to get a little exercise and interaction in on top of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features adult themes, animalistic behaviors, and play fighting.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.
> 
> Title is from the song [Bat Country by Avenged Sevenfold.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24howVwYgHY)

The Soldier growled as the muzzle was pressed against his face.

"There you go. Status report, Soldier." Said the Falcon.

"Green." The Soldier huffed out from behind his muzzle, carefully rubbing his guarded knuckles against his legs.

"Good boy." The Falcon hummed, earning a soft bristle from the Soldier. He _loved_ when the Falcon called him a 'good boy'.

He could already feel himself slipping into that 'less than human' headspace of his as the Falcon adjusted the knee-pads on his legs, making sure they weren't cutting off his circulation. Once those were given the green light, the Falcon carefully snapped a buckle collar around his neck, the tense fabric sporting a pattern reminiscent of the Captain's shield. Finally, the Falcon clipped a leash of the same pattern to the ring of the collar, tugging it ever so gently.

"There, you ready?" The Falcon asked, earning a nod from the Soldier. "Alright, lets do this. Up and present." He hummed, pulling a little tighter on the leash.

The Soldier growled a little at the tug, but easily stood from where he was sitting and turned around, keeping his wrists crossed behind his back. He could feel the Falcon locking cuffs over his wrists, pinning them behind his back as he was prepped for transportation. They had already tested those brand of handcuffs, so they both knew he could _easily_ break out of them if needed, but the purpose of this scene was to obey, to give the Soldier the order and obedience that he craved.

And to get a little exercise and interaction in on top of that.

"Good boy, lets go." The Falcon ordered, tugging on the leash to lead him out of the small room and into the brightly lit hallway. The cool concrete felt nice against his bare toes, not frigid cold, but not burning hot, familiar without the danger of triggering flashbacks.

He was already shivering with anticipation as the two of them walked towards the room at the end of the hallway, a yellow sign nailed to the door that read 'WARNING: PUPS AT PLAY' in bold black letters greeted them. With another nod of reassurance, the Falcon led the Soldier inside the room.

The Soldier bristled with excitement at the sight.

Inside the room was a group of other people, all varying in age, gender, and appearance. Eight people were situated on a large foam pad in the middle of the floor, while four other people were sitting on varying benches and seats around them. In the corner of the room sat large metal cages with the same type of foam padding beneath them, with the capacity to fit about three people each. Among the people were different types of plush toys, rubber items, and bowls for likely food and water. Finally, the concrete walls were decorated with flags and posters. The largest flag on the furthest back wall was decorated with black and blue diagonal stripes, with a white stripe across the middle and a red bone in the very center. The posters featured varying illustrations of people in varying leather-based attire, with one also detailing the rules of the event. One poster caught his eye, showing illustrated stick figures in different poses with names beneath them, explaining the command for each pose.

He easily memorized the posters before the Falcon led him by the collar towards the pad where other people were growling and yipping. He felt only the slightest spark of apprehension as they approached the group in the center of the room, which was quickly extinguished by the building excitement in his veins.

All of the people on the pad were in varying stages of undress, but none completely naked. They all wore varying masks that resembled the gross approximation of an animal, mostly dogs, all with different color combinations. He seemed to be the only one on the pad without his entire head covered, which made him feel a little under-dressed. Along with that, they all had forms of protection for their knuckles and knees, similar to the ones he was wearing. Some also had collars, while some had chains with locks around their necks, while others had no neck wear at all. A few also sported different types of harnesses across their chest, similar to the leather gun strap harness he currently had strapped across his bare chest. A few people had clothes on beneath their gear, while others, such as himself, were mostly dressed in only gear and protective undergarments for the sake of decency. He was wearing black shorts, though mostly to cover the protective padding he was wearing. That seemed unnecessary, however, as he noticed two other people who were wearing similar padding completely out in the open. He still much preferred keeping his unseen.

He easily recognized one mask from the rest, a black and blue neoprene hood.

"Arrf!" Buster chirped, making his way towards the Soldier on knuckles and knees. The Soldier growled in response, hoping it sounded less threatening and more playful, as he sank to his knees on the pad. 

"Alright, you have fun and play nice, Soldier. I'll be right over here." The Falcon hummed before petting his head, removing the handcuffs, and unclipping the leash from his collar, allowing him free roam of the large pad. The Soldier wasted no time falling to his guarded knuckles and joining the other people.

Buster and himself were quickly joined by other, curious people. The Soldier snarled a little, uncomfortable with the sudden crowding. This display of aggression was easily understood, as the others fell back and gave him his deserved space.

All, except one. A small form in black and white clothing and gear, complete with a black hood with a white muzzle, with hands completely covered by mitts instead of free-hand knuckle guards. The small form stared at him, a glint of recognition in their eyes.

The small form did not bark, but squeaked and chirped instead. The Soldier was deeply confused, trying to figure out who this person was and why they weren't acting like a dog like everyone else.

"Hey there, Soldier." A voice piped up. The Soldier jolted, quickly turning to face the voice. It was Gideon, the mysterious androgynous person from Kevin's friend group, and probably Buster's handler, given their outfit; a black shirt with the same flag as the one on the wall and a riding crop attached to their belt. "You know Buster, yeah?"

The man beside him yipped, rising onto his guarded knees and lifting a guarded hand. The small form to the other side of him squeaked out again.

"Right, and that's Kaliko, he's part of Space's crew, don't know if you've met them." Gideon explained, gesturing to the small form.

Space. That kid. What the hell was the universe putting him in his path for?

Well, this was a pup meet-up in Florida, and the kid _did_ live there, and he had a vague memory of Danny's party about Space mentioning one of them was 'like a pup, but an orca' when he and Kevin were explaining why Buster was dressed like that.

That would explain the black and white attire.

The Soldier turned to the small form, growling quietly. Kaliko chirped in response, which earned a bark from Buster.

"Ah, you guys _have_ met." Gideon hummed. "Makes sense, I guess. Buster, play nice." With that, the person left, leaving the three of them on the pad.

The Soldier had a few questions, mostly about what they were supposed to be doing and if Space had a handler like he and Buster had, but he found that he couldn't force himself to speak, instead finding only growls and snarls where words once laid. It felt good, in his opinion, to not be expected to speak or act in the ways that humans were expected to behave. He was allowed to slip into the mind of a beast, of an obedient machine, all without the threat of danger or punishment and the constant reassurance that the Falcon was there to protect him and show him love and affection. Most of all, he felt more like himself than he ever had since moving into the tower.

He really, _really_ liked that.

At least one of his questions was answered as Buster nudged his snout into his flesh shoulder, bowing his shoulders into a playful position that he remembered from the training poster. He emulated the position, bowing his shoulders in response to the other. Buster took no time jumping up onto his knees and landing on top of the Soldier, which he took in stride and easily tucked out from under before nudging his muzzle into the other's shoulder. Buster growled in response before trying to jump on top of him again, which caused the Soldier to tuck and gently slam into the other's side.

This type of play was rather fun, and surprisingly exhausting, the Soldier thought.

Kaliko watched the two of them before choosing to join them, nudging into Buster's side and earning a leap from the other man. The Soldier growled softly as he watched the two play, his eyes only flickering to the Falcon's position in the room for a moment before focusing on them once again. He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped his chest as Buster tried to knock Kaliko onto his back. He had to admit, the small body was able to take a hit, refusing to roll over and show submission.

The Soldier liked the idea of fighting for dominance, of only showing his submission after the other thoroughly earned it.

A voice growled behind him, causing him to turn around, snarling deep in his chest. He was met by a woman in a hood that seemed to be shaped less like a dog and more like a dragon, complete with angled horns and scales. He had to admire the detail work in the hood, before he was interrupted by another growl from the body in front of him. He snarled in response, bowing his shoulders down. The dragon snarled back, taking a playful yet defensive stance.

The Soldier let her take the first move, easily dodging as she lunged at him. He took an opening to lunge back, landing on top of her without crushing her beneath him. The dragon snarled and roared as she tucked out from beneath him, slamming her shoulder into his side. He allowed himself to stumble on the hit, despite the fact that he wouldn't have even noticed such a weak hit any other time.

He snarled as he nudged into her side, gently ramming her to the ground and loosely pinning her with his body, giving her plenty of room to move and breathe. The dragon snarled and struggled beneath him, but made no move to turn back onto her legs, giving up her submission to him.

He was dominant over a dragon. He couldn't help the pride that swelled in his chest as he released his loose pin.

The dragon huffed playfully, rolled over onto her stomach, and shook her head to dust herself off before padding away towards another group.

"Rruf!" Buster barked from behind him, nudging his shoulder with his snout.

"Eeehk!" Kaliko clicked, flopping over onto the pad.

The Soldier puffed up his chest, standing tall and proud while still on his hands and knees.

"Soldier. Status report." The Falcon's voice nearly startled him, turning around to face the man who was now standing at the edge of the pad.

The Soldier nodded his head before sitting up on his knees, putting his guarded hands up over his chest in an almost begging position. He remembered that from the poster as being 'at attention'.

"Good boy," The Falcon hummed, petting his slightly sweat-damp hair. "I'm gonna get you some water." He explained as he clipped the leash back onto his collar. The Soldier obediently followed, choosing to crawl on all fours instead of standing up completely. The Falcon carefully unclipped and removed his muzzle before holding a water bottle to his mouth.

"Drink." The Falcon ordered. The soldier took the opening of the bottle into his mouth, sucking down the cool, refreshing water until he was satisfied. "Good boy." Hummed the Falcon, petting his sweat-slicked back in slow, even strokes.

Once the bottle was half-emptied, the Falcon lead the Soldier back to the pad and unleashed him, allowing him free roam once more.

Kaliko was the first to take interest in his return, as Buster had gone off to challenge the dragon in the other group. The orca chirped at him, producing an odd clicking noise from deep in his chest.

The Soldier thought about the implications of the other's actions. Kaliko must have been a non-human alter in Space's system, taking respite and comfort in being allowed to behave as himself through the interactions of the scene. He understood that deeply, himself never feeling quite as human as he appeared.

But why an orca? Orcas were known for being large animals, freely swimming in pods throughout the world.

Except for captive orcas, the Soldier realized. Captive orcas paced their enclosures and would chew on concrete from stress. They were known for being depressed and suffering in their artificial environments, forced to perform and obey instead of living wild and free.

It all made sense. He understood.

The Soldier nudged carefully into the orca's side, not wanting to harm the body in front of him. He was shorter than even the Captain when he was frail and sickly, a hard breeze could snap him in half. Yet the other nudged back, harder, more challenging. The Soldier snarled before knocking into Kaliko's side, but was quickly circumvented by the orca tucking beneath him and slamming into his chest from beneath him, knocking him onto his ass.

He liked the challenge.

The Soldier and Kaliko romped on the pad, each trying to prove their strength by pinning one another to the ground, only to be out-maneuvered by the other's size. Dexterity and agility versus strength and power.

The Soldier managed to be bested by the other, as one misstep of his hand sent him tumbling onto his side, which Kaliko quickly took advantage of by flopping over his chest, loosely pinning him to the pad. He could have _easily_ shoved the body off of him, to continue the fight for dominance, but the two of them had already put up a good fight, and he felt it best to surrender.

If anyone ever asked him about it, he would simply say he let the other win so he didn't feel bad. No one would ever know.

The Soldier laid on his back, panting and sweaty, as the other breathed on top of him, an obvious glint of victory in his eyes. Kaliko crawled off of him, allowing him to sit back up and dust himself off with a full body shake. Buster barked in excitement at the sight, followed by a loud roar from the dragon he previously bested. Kaliko clicked and squealed in delight, taking his victory to heart.

He had bested the Winter Soldier.

The Soldier bowed his shoulders towards the other before making his way on his hands and knees towards the bench that the Falcon was currently sitting on, standing before him in an obedient pose. He tucked his head down while panting for breath, displaying his willingness to be cared for and allowed to rest. The Falcon hummed at the sight, petting his tousled hair.

"Looks like you've been having fun, big guy. Wanna head home?" Asked the Falcon, earning a nod from the Soldier. "Alright, up and present."

The Soldier easily stood from the concrete floor before turning around and crossing his wrists behind his back. He felt the cool metal of the cuffs gently bite at his flushed skin as the Falcon prepped him for extraction. After the cuffs were secured, he felt the other unclip his muzzle and press the water bottle back to his lips.

"Drink." The Falcon ordered. The Soldier gratefully obeyed, gulping down every last drop of the water. Once he was finished, the muzzle was clipped back over his mouth, and he was ready to go. With a quick nod goodbye to Buster and Kaliko, who both waved their respective paws and fins towards him, the two made their way back to the changing room.

Changing into their civilian clothes and the ride back to Manhattan in the Quinjet were rather uneventful, the Soldier staying at the Falcon's side the whole time, muzzle still securely attached to his face and collar and leash still wrapped around his neck. The Falcon easily led him inside the tower once they landed.

"Looks like terminator's back from his walkies." Stark laughed as he walked past the two. The Soldier snarled, which earned a tug on his collar from the Falcon.

"Do not engage, Soldier." Huffed the Falcon. "He's just jealous he doesn't get to have as much fun as us."

The Soldier nodded in response, obeying the direct order as he followed the Falcon back to their floor.

"Hey there," The Captain piped up as the two entered the apartment. "Did you guys have fun, Sam?"

"I had a good time talking to some of the handlers there. They gave a lot of really good advice for training and enrichment." The Falcon explained. "Soldier had fun too, he pinned a dragon but got pinned by a killer whale."

The Soldier bristled. So much for telling them he let him win.

"Oh, did he now?" The Captain hummed, standing up from where he was sitting on the couch. "Well, guess we'll just have to see how much it takes for one of us to pin him down, huh?"

"Looks like we do." The Falcon hummed in agreement, already tugging the Soldier towards their bedroom. The Soldier was more than happy to obey, already walking ahead and pulling on the leash that was supposed to be leading him. "Soldier. Heel." The Falcon barked, but the Soldier did not obey, instead choosing to challenge the other's dominance over him.

"Looks like he _wants_ to get broken in." The Captain chuckled, easily grabbing him by the back of the neck, earning a snarl from the muzzled beast. "How 'bout it, Sam? Up for a few rounds?"

"Is 'hell yeah' too eager of an answer?" The Falcon purred, easily leading the two into the room.

It was going to be a 'ruff' night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **References:**
> 
> The flag mentioned is the [ Pup Bone Pride Flag](https://www.pupplay.info/2017/06/19/history-of-pup-pride-flags/).
> 
> The posters mentioned can be found [here](https://www.northstarkennelclub.org/read-me/) and [here](https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/10/illustrated-guide-human-pup-positions/).
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> This chapter focuses on a safe-for-work, non-sexual side of a kink known as 'Puppy Play', a form of leather play mixed with mental regression.


	7. Boys Can Wear Dresses Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The woman laughed lightly before unfurling the dress, finding the price tag. "This is a great choice, a lucky lady getting this as a present?" She asked.
> 
> Jamesy felt his tummy plummet to his feet. The dress was for him, and he was _not_ a lady. He just really liked the Little Mermaid and wanted a dress like hers. There was nothing wrong with that.  
>    
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is based loosely on personal experiences and features insecurities towards feminine clothing and mild gender dysphoria.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

"What'cha got there, pal?" Daddy asked, eyeing the Disney Store bag held tight in his hand.

"He found something he really liked on our trip." Papa explained, patting his back gently. "Go put it on, bug!"

Jamesy nodded before making his way to his room, already pretty tired from the day's events. He had gone with his Papa to visit Kevin, they decided that a trip to the mall was in order.

_"Jamesy, ya like Disney stuff right?" Kevin had asked, his daddy Joseph leading them through the maze of a mall. Jamesy nodded, clinging to his Papa's hand for dear life in fear of being swept away by the crowds of people. Why was the mall so big and busy?! "Great! Daddy we gots'ta go to th' Disney store!"_

_"Disney store?" Jamesy had asked. There was a store for only Disney stuff in the mall?_

_"Ye! C'mon!" Kevin cheered, taking the lead as they weaved through the crowds of people._

_Jamesy's eyes lit up as they found themselves standing in front of the promised store; a wide space filled to the brim with every Disney owned item imaginable. Costumes and clothing and accessories, dolls and toys and tsum tsums, and even whole areas dedicated to Star Wars and the Avengers._

_It looked like heaven._

Jamesy had spent a good hour weaving his way through every section of the store, picking up different things that caught his eye. A small tsum tsum designed to look like his Papa, a stuffed Eeyore plush, and a figure set of his Daddy and the Soldier with a motorcycle that made noises. But the most special thing he found, he hadn't even shown Kevin.

_"Papa..." Jamesy had mumbled, head tucked low as he held the bundle of fabric to his chest. Papa turned to him from where he was looking at a t-shirt that had a drawing of Daddy on it._

_"Hm? What's up, bug?" Papa asked. Jamesy looked around, making sure no one was watching them._

_"Can I get this...?" He asked quietly, barely above a breath._

_"Well, what is it?" Papa asked._

_"Uhm..." Jamesy had hesitated, his face burning bright red. What if Papa laughed at him? Or called him gross or stupid? Or yelled at him in front of the whole store? "'S uhm, uh..." A moment of stumbling later, he motioned for his Papa to come close, leaning in close to his ear. "'S Ariel's dress." He whispered, cupping his free hand over the man's ear._

_"Ariel's dress, that's cool." Papa smiled, leaning back from him. He didn't look angry or disgusted, so that was hopefully a good sign. "Is it in your size? Don't want to get one that's too small."_

Jamesy sighed as he carefully slipped out of his clothes from the day, laying the blue dress onto his bed. It was beautiful, the shimmering blue fabric of the skirt, the dark blue fake corset of the bodice, leading up to the long, light blue sleeves.

It didn't really match the way he looked.

_After finding the same blue dress, this time in a size that would fit their body, Jamesy and his Papa made their way to the cash register. Of course, the line was unnecessarily long, leaving the two to wait for almost twenty minutes._

_"Hello there, find everything you need today?" The woman at the register smiled as he carefully set each item on the counter, balling the dress up in hopes of it not being seen._

_"I think so, thank you." Papa smiled, always better at talking to strangers than him._

_The woman smiled as she scanned each item. "Big Avengers fan, huh?" She hummed._

_"Yep, gotta love Captain America." Papa hummed back. Jamesy giggled, glad that their disguises of baseball caps and sunglasses worked. How did that always work?_

_The woman laughed lightly before unfurling the dress, finding the price tag. "This is a great choice, a lucky lady getting this as a present?" She asked._

_Jamesy felt his tummy plummet to his feet. The dress was for him, and he was_ not _a lady. He just really liked the Little Mermaid and wanted a dress like hers. There was nothing wrong with that._

_Right?_

_"It's for a good friend." Papa explained, not confirming the gender of the dress's new owner. He was ever so grateful for the quick save._

He carefully pulled the tags off (none of them could ever stand tags, they were always so itchy and drove them up the wall every time they pressed against their skin) before slipping the dress over his head, struggling his arms through the sleeves and straightening out the silky fabric over his legs. He glanced over himself before making his way to the bathroom, catching his own gaze in the mirror.

" _That looks ridiculous._ " That awful voice in the back of his head huffed. " _You won't make Steve or Sam like you anymore by dressing up like a little girl. It doesn't even look good._ " His brain was right, the dress looked so petit and pretty, nothing like the muscled cyborg body it was currently wrapped around.

"'M not a girl..." Jamesy sighed, staring at the shameful display in his reflection. He couldn't help the rolling feeling in his tummy, fidgeting with the silky fabric.

"Jamesy? You alright in there?" Papa's voice called from behind the bathroom door. Jamesy called back quietly in response, watching as the door slowly opened, the man poking his head in. "Wow, that looks nice."

Jamesy tucked his head, trying to cover his shameful appearance with his arms. "No it doesn't. Looks stupid."

"Aww, but I thought you liked it?" Papa said, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. "Why do you think it looks stupid?"

"Cause 'm not a girl an' dresses are for girls. 'M stupid." Jamesy huffed, tears already threatening to spill from his eyes.

"Oh, bug. C'mere." Papa opened his arms, letting him step into a warm, gentle hug. "You aren't stupid. Dresses aren't _just_ for girls. Clothes don't define who you are or how you feel. Boys can wear dresses just as much as girls can wear suits."

Jamesy thought. He could remember women in Hydra, wearing work suits and fancy clothing. But he still didn't want to feel like a girl.

"'M I a han'som boy?" He asked, desperate for any shred of validation from his guardian.

"You're a _very_ handsome boy." Papa smiled, nuzzling his head softly. "A handsome little fella with his handsome dress."

He giggled at the praise, ruffling the silky fabric with his hands.

"Here, lets go show Daddy-" Papa was about to lead him out of the bathroom, but he froze on the spot. "Jamesy? What's wrong?"

"Wha'if Daddy hates me or thinks I wanna be a girl?" He whimpered, already starting to fret again. Why was he such a crybaby?

"Aw bug, Daddy would never hate you." Papa hummed, rubbing his back. "The both of us just want to make sure you're happy. Does being a boy make you happy?"

Jamesy nodded, he was at least sure about that.

"And does your new dress make you happy?" Papa asked.

"Uh huh, 's Ariel's dress." Jamesy nodded again.

"Then I know Daddy will be happy too." Papa smiled. He wasn't thoroughly convinced, but he had to trust his guardian.

After a deep breath, Jamesy stepped out of the bathroom, making his way back to the living room where his Daddy was waiting.

"Hey-oh!" Daddy looked up, jumping a little at the sight. Jamesy tucked his head, face already burning bright with embarrassment. He should've known better. Daddy would be disgusted with him.

"He found this at the Disney store. Isn't he handsome?" Papa explained. Daddy smiled, looking him over.

"He's _very_ handsome, Sam." Daddy hummed, standing in front of the little boy.

"Y-y'u r'eely think so?" Jamesy asked, carefully lifting his head. "Y'u like it?"

"I _know_ so. It looks perfect on you, lamb." Daddy smiled, opening his arms for a hug. Jamesy happily obliged, stepping into his guardian's embrace. "Our handsome little boy."

Jamesy couldn't help the way his hands flapped with joy, jumping just a little in his Daddy's arms. "Thank'yu Daddy!"

"Here, why don't we watch the Little Mermaid? To go with your outfit?" Papa offered. Jamesy nodded, quickly making his way to the couch.

It was a very good night for the very handsome boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **References:**
> 
> The dress that Jamesy is wearing is [this dress based on the Little Mermaid](https://www.amazon.com/SIDNOR-Cosplay-Dresses-Costume-Princess/dp/B07QWKJ1H7).
> 
> The figure set is [this specific Captain America and Winter Soldier toy set](https://toywiz.com/disney-marvel-toybox-captain-america-motorcycle-exclusive-action-figure-set/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwgo_5BRDuARIsADDEntQdiN4W3rJOaXEYzc6aVMpKkT-8gzDsM-IIlX18ezLQpxKFjh1hiNYaAkmGEALw_wcB).
> 
> **Brief Explanation**
> 
> In this story, Jamesy buys a dress based on one of the dresses that Ariel wears in the Little Mermaid. However, he is afraid of being judged or seen as a girl for wearing such things.
> 
> This story is loosely based on our own insecurities with gendered clothing and gender dysphoria, with our body being AFAB with all of us in our system being male-identifying (ranging from trans ftm identifying to cis identifying). 
> 
> Jamesy wants to wear a dress because he finds it pretty, but he does not want to be treated like a girl or seen as one because of it. He finds comfort and security in being called a handsome boy as an affirmation of his feelings.
> 
> These are based on our personal experiences and are not meant to represent the feelings of every gender non conforming person or the experiences of systems with alters whose genders do not match their host body.

**Author's Note:**

> Any behaviors related to DID or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency within this story are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explanation for either DID systems or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
